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Lessons I learned from The Office: with this post I will try to justify my week long The Office binge.

Lessons I learned from The Office: with this post I will try to justify my week long The Office binge.

I’ve been binge-watching The Office US for the past week. I don’t binge shows like an average person. Oh no. I go all in.

For a week, I’ve spent every spare second watching The Office – on my way to work, while pooping, on my lunch break, when I get in from work until about 1 AM. Rinse and repeat.

For a week. I started last Sunday and I finished last night.

And because this is absolutely ridiculous, I shall now write a blog post about the lessons I’ve learned so that I don’t have to completely write off a week of my life as entirely useless.

This actually inspired me to start a new series on my blog – Netflix Life Lessons. Technically The Office US is not available on Netflix UK… Potato patato.

Okay, here we go.

Yes, it took me hours to put this together. Around 70, I knew I had to get to a 100.

So I did.

Then I got to a 100, and I had so much more to write. You’ve got to cut me some slack, there are nine seasons of this show.

Don’t you dare to tell me I never do anything productive!

  1. Jim and Pam’s relationship is the absolute cutest thing, and now I have amped up my views of unattainable relationship expectations to an all-time high!
  2. Casual racism, sexism, homophobia and ageism was totally okay in the early 2000s.
  3. “That’s what she said” jokes never get old.
  4. The worst thing about prison is Dementors.
  5. If you make whiny baby crying noises, young mothers breasts will release milk.
  6. People should be afraid of how much they love you.
  7. Identity theft is not a joke. Millions suffer from it every year.
  8. You can make vodka from beets.
  9. Going into a contract to conceive a baby will lead to a wedding.
  10. Hitting someone with a car, occasionally, is just a character flaw.
  11. Paying 5 cents for worms is too much.
  12. Carb loading with carbonara minutes before a 5k is a terrible decision.
  13. When you’re in rehabilitation, and you share long walks on a treadmill with your nurse that can turn into an affair.
  14. Don’t be an idiot.
  15. Secretary day should be a national holiday.
  16. Get yourself someone with a Pilates butt.
  17. Don’t tell a woman she has baby weight to lose. She’ll go off to learn morse code just to prank you and communicate to you that there is a detonator in the room, so you’ll freak out and make a fool out of yourself.
  18. The best way to prove someone is cheating on your friend is by pouncing them at the gym, and if you end up sleeping with them, you’ve proven that they are indeed cheating.
  19. Sometimes you just have to spank the office assistant. Like not sexual spank but like put a grown-ass adult over your knee and spank.
  20. Good parents scramble to find a baby sitter so they can take out the youngest child.
  21. Bringing a bottle of red wine to a theatre show is totally normal, and drinking the said bottle is also okay, especially if you share with friends.
  22. Andy though a Capella was cool before Pitch Perfect.
  23. Vampire Caught preserves spread of germs.
  24. Nostalgia is the greatest human weakness second to the neck.
  25. There are too many people on this planet. We need a new plague.
  26. When they tell you can’t park somewhere just throw your keys away in front of them.
  27. If by accident you share someone’s secret just start spreading other rumours, so people don’t know which one to believe.
  28. Nipples get hard when you’re excited.
  29. Sometimes satnav makes you drive into a lake. You should definitely do that.
  30. I am Beyonce, always.
  31. Mini cupcakes are a miniature version on cupcakes that are just a miniature version of a cake.
  32. Dressing up as Santa and forcing people to sit in your lap is frowned upon?
  33. The early worm gets the worm. They’re best friends.
  34. An office is a place where dreams come true.
  35. Lack of cake might kill you.
  36. If you come across someone with no arms or legs, don’t rescue them.
  37. Smoking saves lives. Sometimes.
  38. The world just sends people your way.
  39. Love at ‘first see with my ears’ exists. Actually, everyone you meet for the first time is automatically the love of your life.
  40. Punching a hole in a wall will get you anger management classes.
  41. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.
  42. When you grow up, have 100 babies, so you always have a lot of friends.
  43. You can buy a gay-dar online.
  44. Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world.
  45. Calling someone Mexican, when they are indeed Mexican, is offensive.
  46. Every parent dreams of their kids getting married… to one and other.
  47. You never know when you’ll need to bear a passing resemblance to someone – so he has lots of wigs.
  48. There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things.
  49. Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse.
  50. Milk + sugar – is what you should be drinking every morning.
  51. The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man.
  52. Impregnating is the only driving force between male and female attraction.
  53. Doing mediocre work halfheartedly is the way to impress your boss.
  54. You don’t have kids on St Patricks Day.
  55. Little Kid Lover is a great user name for a dating site.
  56. Buying out months before Christmas the most popular doll will make you bank come last-minute parents desperately trying to get that doll for their kid.
  57. Wearing white to a wedding that isn’t yours is alright if it’s an emergency and if you look good in white.
  58. It’s never too early for ice-cream.
  59. A gay man and a gay woman can potentially have an affair with each other.
  60. Ultimatums like I’m going to kill myself make people do things.
  61. There is such a thing as good grief.
  62. If you talk too much, just tune yourself out.
  63. We’re all homos. Homo…. sapiens.
  64. Sometimes people will cheat on you even if you specifically ask them not to.
  65. Russia doesn’t exist any more.
  66. Black do crack.
  67. Every time you eat a candy bar, it’s custom you say “o yeah” after each bite.
  68. Dancing on bubble wrap is great stress relief. Sex also works.
  69. Showers together save water.
  70. Engaged isn’t married. Never, ever give up.
  71. Under stress, if people are not vomiting or diarrhoea-ing, it’s necessary to perceive it as alarming.
  72. A pumpkin will rot of your head in a week or two.
  73. Is it called redvining when gay men intertwine their penises
  74. You should be passionate about recycling and revenge.
  75. The eyes are the groin of the face.
  76. Misseltoe is not an excuse for sexual assault.
  77. Perfectenschlag – when a man’s life comes together perfectly.
  78. Sometimes your friends are just too dumb to hang out with you.
  79. You should tell someone they might have herpes after you’ve professed undying love to them.
  80. Auctioning off people like the old days is okay.
  81. Women are bad drivers.
  82. Buying things says: “I love you this much dollars-worth.”
  83. Casual day = no panties.
  84. If you pray enough, you can turn yourself into a cat person.
  85. If you knew when the ‘good ol’ days’ were before you left them – that would be awesome.
  86. Everyone knows you should wish for 100 more wishes when you find a genie.
  87. Every little boy fantasises about his fairytale wedding.
  88. If someone calls you gay, then you might be gay, especially if it happens more than once.
  89. As upper management, it’s inappropriate to take a bath with your employees no matter how bad you want to.
  90. The rules of jink are unflinchingly rigid.
  91. You should have very little patience for stupidity.
  92. You should only tip people for jobs that you can’t do yourself like your urologist because you are unable to pulverise your own kidney stones.
  93. Pretzel day is the best.
  94. A thirty-year mortgage in your 40s is like buying your own coffin.
  95. We all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us.
  96. Quoting a world dictator in an award acceptance speech will get you a standing ovation.
  97. The sexy chair model from the catalogue is probably dead.
  98. If you keep a hot grill by your bed, you will probably eventually step on it.
  99. If cheesy pita bread is microwaved for too long, it will start a fire.
  100. Only aim for win-win solutions in all scenarios.
  101. You can rip your scrotum if you jump and do a split with keys in your pocket.
  102. It’s okay to give yourself a cup that says “word’s best boss”.
  103. Getting out of friendzone is possible. Jim did it.
  104. If you ignore someone’s party, you will not get a mug with your face on it.
  105. You can stay a bit late at work and just take the next day off.
  106. Wearing tissues boxes as shoes is a great conversation starter. Bonus: smelly shoes are a health and safety hazard. Bonus: putting your sweaty feet in a shared ice machine is totally okay.
  107. May your hats fly as high as your dreams.
  108. It’s wonderful to be the centre of attention.
  109. Your gayness doesn’t define you. Your race defines you.
  110. There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That’s why it’s called a joke.
  111. Always ask the tough questions such as “Where are all the hot people?”.
  112. Don’t listen to your critics, listen to your fans.
  113. Employee jobs don’t depend on their performance.
  114. You should burn places down while you have a chance.
  115. Sometimes goodbyes are a bitch.
  116. At death bed, most people wish they spent less time at the office. Not Michael Scott.
  117. The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat is the strong hand you want on the wheel. 
  118. Chins up.
  119. Dying alone is scary.
  120. It’s okay to start a sentence and not know where it’s going… hopefully you’ll find it along the way.
  121. Breastpump feel nice on your brests but sharing it with your co-workers is not sterile. So is stealing it from the woman that needs to milk her breasts.
  122. Every occasion deserves a song by Andy. Bonus: when giving CPR hum “Staying Alive” the abandon the rescue and break into a full-on musical performance.
  123. If a woman doesn’t ask you about something like have you ever been engaged, you don’t need to tell her about it.
  124. Understanding finance is hard, so you should always explain it like you are talking to a five-year-old.
  125. Promising to pay for the college to a whole high school class might bite you in the ass if you assume that at some point will become a millionaire.
  126. Where are gay man’s vaginas? When gay men have sex, how do they know who’s penis is going to open up to accept the other person’s penis?
  127. Jazz is stupid. Just play the right notes!
  128. Mayo kills lice.
  129. Horny people can make you horny.
  130. Sometimes life is a bugger bubble.
  131. When launching 250lbs man down the stairs, do not forget to bubble wrap said man.
  132. Just go all in for what’s most important.
  133. The future belongs to those that believe in the beauty of their dreams, so take a dump on your boss’ car.
  134. You’re not alone sister. Someone else has taken a dump in a paper shredder.
  135. Did I stutter?

Okay, now allow me to crawl in a hole, because now that I’ve finished the series I feel like my life has no meaning. Blah blah blah go spread kindness.

K, bye.

 

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