Phew. That’s one nasty title, isn’t it? It’s been three years? I don’t even know anymore.
I could spend hours tying up excuses, reasons and other nonsense that would “justify” this so that I could sleep better at night. Honestly all it is, at the core, I’m just really fucking selfish.
I could say how much I struggle with my mental health, B.E.D., and restrictiveness is a trigger for me. I could blame the toxicity of the movement at times especially by those “radical, psycho grass eaters”.
I could. But I’m not going to. The truth is, I’m a hypocrite.
It’s been a gradual change. At first, I stopped preaching my veganism to strangers and new people I had just met. That progressed to shying away from conversations that were some of my core beliefs, that made me who I am. And then I went to Madrid and had fish. God damn it, I had the best seafood in Spain.
I guess they won, huh? All those sceptics telling me this will never last, that I will fail miserably. I bet they’ve been bitting their nails in excitement for the past three years, just waiting for this blog post to be written one day.
Flexitarian. Is that what my new label should be?
I hate labels. I know we need them to neatly organise the world around us in boxes – because god forbid someone chooses not to fit in the society’s proper filing system, god forbid someone decides to go against the grain, disrupt the system. I mean how are they supposed to know who am I and how to react to me if I don’t have those labels?
This is not about wanting to eat fish and throwing away my morality and ethics. This is me owning up to it.
My best friend told me he was surprised, because of how “passionate” I’ve always been. That probably sucked more than the guilt at night, right before bed, just seconds before falling asleep when it dawns on me every damn night that I am a hypocritical, selfish human being.
Honestly, I don’t care about eating dairy, eggs, meat or seafood. I have, however, started to resent the fact that when I go home, or when I travel I deny myself experiences. Granted those experiences come at the cost of other beings suffering.
I am selfish. I also hate every sentence I’ve written so far.
So yes, maybe I will have fish once in a while or maybe next time I go home, I’ll have a taste of my childhood and have some sour cream.
Not much has changed tho. I’m still plant-based for the most part. Re-reading Greger’s ‘How Not To Die’ and subjecting myself to slaughterhouse footage. Crying, crying a lot whenever I watch that footage.
I don’t want to be this person. I’m not this person. I’m me. Whatever that is with or without dairy or fish.
So, hi. Welcome to Concepts by S, where I will on and off probably still write about animal welfare, environmental issues, minimalism, and mental health. Please bear with me, while I figure this mess out.
Hello, I’m Simona. No longer a full-time vegan, but a full-time flexitarian and a massive hypocrite.
P.s. No, I still find meat disgusting and, yes, palm oil still sucks. Yes, I had Oreos last week. No, I will not be having them for a while because vegan or not palm oil still sucks.